


Understanding Iruka

by Berocca



Series: paperwork [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Get Together, M/M, Romantic Fluff, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-21 12:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4829015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berocca/pseuds/Berocca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi tries to understand his feelings.</p><p>WARNINGS: SPOILERS FOR EVENTS OF BASICALLY THE WHOLE NARUTO SERIES.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> companion fic to [Filing Kakashi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4145829)  
> I'm sorry for saying I would finish my other fic "Surprise Attraction"... I keep thinking I can do it but then I blank out when I see it so... that one might take a while. But I will try my best to finish it!! Plz stick with me T-T
> 
> This fic was sitting in my comp for two months, so i thought that maybe uploading it might help me finish it faster (?)  
> Your comments and kudos are what keeps me going! Everything is appreciated.  
> I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> SPOILERS SPOILERS EVERYWHERE!! THIS FIC HAS SPOILERS FROM UP TO THE LAST NARUTO CHAPTER. Read at your own peril.

“It’s best to use three per holster, Kakashi.”

Following his father’s advice, Kakashi placed three shuriken in each of the compartments. They fit snugly so that they didn’t clink around when he moved.

Kakashi liked the way his father smiled whenever he did something, it made him want to do more to make him happy. Kakashi couldn’t remember his mother, but he must resemble her more than how much the others thought, because father never really looked for too long at his face.

Sakumo didn’t seem surprised when people started praising him as a genius shinobi, or when he graduated from the Academy, the youngest in his class. At the graduation ceremony, Sakumo just smiled gently at Kakashi, though his eyes moved away from Kakashi’s face quicker than usual. His hands were still gentle and loving- as he always was with Kakashi- and he tugged Kakashi’s shuriken patterned scarf a bit tighter around his neck as the other newly-made genin and their parents jostled around happily, taking pictures and laughing.

Sakumo had hoped – though he had known better – that Kakashi wouldn’t be a genius like him. Being a genius was lonely. He was hailed as almost a deity. Women, men, children; they all looked at him in awe; awe mixed with the tiniest bit of relief. Relief that _they_ didn’t need to be like _that_. But meeting his wife and being with her, dating her had changed him in the most typical but brilliant of ways. She somehow completed him; a part of him he hadn’t realized he needed. Her sweet eyes, dark and loving, her skin, her smell – all of it had completed him and he was living a dream.

Then Kakashi had been born and was loved by her so much that he had even felt a little jealous for a moment, but she had looked into his eyes with so much love and gratitude that he couldn’t look away as her life faded from her and her sweet skin covered her soft grey eyes that would never open for him or anyone again.

Sakumo brushed a tiny hair from his son’s scarf. The shuriken pattern on the green material was childish, but he wanted Kakashi to be childish for as long as he could. Kakashi’s eyes were just like hers… and he wished he could protect his son from the war and politics but Konoha was more wolf-like than he had ever been; ravenous for any ninja that showed loyalty and potential.

He was sure nobody would be able to see the subdued shaking of his hands, but the Academy teacher – Umino sensei, was it– who had just come back from extended maternity leave, offered to take a picture for them, and he couldn’t hide his gratitude at having someone telling him what to do.

“Smile! One – two – three!”

Kakashi beamed happily as his father gently gripped his shoulder and smiled for Umino-sensei’s camera. He didn’t miss the way his classmates looked at the two of them; awe-stricken and admiring.

“Beautiful. Kakashi-kun has a lovely smile,” Umino-sensei smiled at him.

Kakashi looked down and blushed lightly, and not for the first time, felt glad that his mask hid most of his face.

“Thank you for your hard work, Umino-sensei,” his father said in his soft voice.

Kakashi was serious for a five year-old, but he was still a child. He didn’t know why his father was more reserved than usual, or why his eyes looked sad when they looked at his new forehead protector.

But because he was still a child he smiled, carefree, knowing only that he was being admired by everyone today. Umino-sensei and even her little baby who was toddling around beside her happily came up to him and congratulated him with their equally sweet eyes and smiles and Kakashi was wholeheartedly glad, not for the first time, that he was apparently a “genius,” whatever that was.

*

“Akemi…”

Kakashi’s normally stoic ANBU captain lay curled up in the strangest ball beside his dead lover. His white cloak was stained with mud and his lover’s blood, and Kakashi hadn’t even needed to use his speed or his chidori to kill the enemy-nin who had killed Rabbit, or _Akemi_ -san. His captain had seen to that.

As he burned the rest of the enemies and cleared up the remains with his other team members, his captain remained contorted in the oddest-looking heap. A flash of a memory briefly stirred in the depths of Kakashi’s mind, something about that position being familiar, but he quickly shut off that train of thought.

Emotions were burdensome, useless things.

He was a true shinobi.

He was a _genius_ , he thought savagely. People still looked at him with admiration, or probably something like that, because he thought only of the mission and how to complete it. He made a quick mental memo on a standard yellow post-it about the extra things he noticed. He certainly did not care about Rabbit or his captain any more than the extent to which it would affect their return home.

He was a _genius_ , so he could turn off his feelings, just like _that_. The moisture on his face was not his tears.

*

Sandaime blew out a long string of smoke, and looked at Kakashi.

Kakashi was unnerved by his piercing gaze, which could be seen even through the shadow of the Hokage hat. Kakashi felt small and afraid of being found out as being an emotional, fragile human and not the true shinobi that _he was_ ; Hiruzen couldn’t see his swollen eyes through the porcelain mask, could he?

“Rabbit and Boar are out of commission. I put you, Hound, in charge of team Ro.”

None of the Anbu members in the room moved a muscle. They weren’t really surprised.

Kakashi’s teenage shoulders tensed with the welcome burden, relieved that he would still be of use.

He made a mental memo on a blue sticky note to pick up some fresh meat for his ninken later as a celebration of his promotion.

*

It was time to pull Kakashi out of Anbu, thought Hiruzen.

Just like Sakumo, Kakashi was soft-hearted. Thankfully, though, the most urgent throes of war were over and this time he would be able to pull a Hatake out of those shadows before any more emotional damage was done.

“Kakashi. You have done a great service as team captain.”

“Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

“From today, you are honourably discharged from Anbu, and will resume regular jounin duties.”

“…Understood.”

“I have more need of you as a jounin, now that most of the small wars are over and Anbu missions are more intelligence based now. Do you have any questions?”

“No, sir.”

“Then your first mission will be to supervise a candidate for promotion.” Hiruzen tapped a standard scroll with red edges, classifying it as an A-rank.

“His name is Umino Iruka. He shows promise in the field, especially as a strategist and leader. He has met all the prerequisites, and you will be assessing his readiness on this infiltration mission.”

“Yes, sir.”

Hiruzen looked at Kakashi. The Hokage almost did a double take, but just breathed out a long string of smoke. For a moment, he thought Sakumo had been looking at him in gratitude; but no, it was still just Kakashi looking distant and a little confused.

“Dismissed.”

*

Kakashi hadn’t forgotten his first crush – Umino-sensei. In the childish corner of his mind, which seemed to grow a bit brighter after his dismissal from Anbu, he still had a tiny post-it with “Umino-sensei” and a puppy doodled on it.

He knew his dismissal from Anbu had been coming. He did understand why, though he still felt a little resentment at the reason. He could be super stealthy if he wanted to be.

But not everything was too bad, he supposed, if he got to see Umino-sensei’s little baby again.

Kakashi shifted his grip on the mission scroll and went to pack his travelling bag for the mission.

Two young men were waiting at the gate when Kakashi got there to leave. A young teenager, obviously quite inexperienced, and another young man, leaning slightly on the gate wall.

He didn’t look anything like Umino-sensei, at all. The toned muscle, typical of most shinobi, was all _man_ ; very much _male_.

Kakashi nodded a greeting and the three members set off through the gates.

Umino Iruka had a nice shade of dark skin, Kakashi observed. Very masculine shade of tan.

Kakashi shook his head. What the hell even was a “masculine shade of tan”? He would have laughed at himself if he wasn’t so thoroughly disturbed by his train of thought. He had never had any of these thoughts before. This observation was most certainly not written on a pink mental note.

“Kakashi-taicho, I sense many irregularities in the surroundings there,” said Umino, pointing. “I think it would be best if I take the main road, and Ryoichi and you can move in the trees on either side of me.”

It was a good call, Kakashi thought. Both Ryoichi and he would stand out, due to their lighter hair and skin in this part of the country. And his masculine voice is very nice to hear, a pleasure to obey.

Ryoichi sent him a wary glance when Kakashi shook his head randomly and started to chew on a piece of beef jerky as he moved into formation.

For the rest of the mission, Kakashi was impressed by Umino Iruka. He most certainly was not a baby any more, with his strong shoulders and firm build. The glimmer of angst and conflict present in all talented shinobi barely showed in his dark eyes and did not interfere with his ability to carry out the mission efficiently.

His fighting skills were adequate for jounin-level, and as Sandaime had stated, his intelligence and leadership skills were more than capable.

But something happened as he looked at Iruka in approval, ready in his mind to sign the recommendation form. The memory of his father’s strange sadness at his Academy graduation, a lifetime ago, fluttered to the surface. Kakashi finally understood that feeling of helplessness in his father’s face, the feeling that the world was a cold and unforgiving place, and there was nothing to stop it from turning. He wished there was something he could do to protect this young man from a path of darkness; but it was as futile as a stone trying to stop the river from running into the sea; and Kakashi was only a small pebble.

*

“Hokage-sama. Jounin Hatake Kakashi reporting to debrief.”

“Ah, Kakashi. Speak freely,” said Hiruzen.

Halfway through the report, however, Iruka walked in, bandaged up in some places and generally looking worse for wear, but his eyes stunned Kakashi.

They were the most captivating sight Kakashi had ever seen. Sweet and dark, like Umino-sensei’s; but even sweeter and more fiery than those faded memories of his Academy teacher.

Maybe it was the sunset? Kakashi absentmindedly scribbled on an orange-pink mental post-it.

It turned out he didn’t have to go through the pain of nominating Umino-sensei’s baby – no – attractive man? – _no_ – just _Umino Iruka_ , because Iruka proved once again that he was more than deserving of the Sandaime’s approval, pledging his heart and loyalty to the Village’s children and future.

*

Slowly, his mind filled with the useless memos and colourful pieces of paper of everyday life.

It was honestly distracting and disorientating; completely different from the gaping blackness that he had grown used to. He wasn’t lying more often than not when he gave his reasons why his report was late to the newly-made Iruka-sensei, who manned the missions desk.

The sight of those eyes didn’t help him organize his mind any quicker, either.

Subdued and quiet one moment, glimmering and laughing the next, spilling fire immediately after that; they continued to shake up all the unorganized new information in his mind and throw his stomach in a strange loop.

Thankfully though, he was getting used to it. He could finally get his head around his personal bizarre colour-coding system in his brain. For one thing, there was a lot of green memos stuck all over his mental walls. Thinking about it, he had been hanging out with Gai more than usual these days. He enjoyed irritating Gai with his indifferent comments – of which the first few actually _had_ stemmed from real social incompetence – but were now thoroughly intentional.

Kakashi grinned secretly behind his mask, lounging on a tree near the Academy. He had always liked the colour green. He also liked blue, yellow, red, pink, brown, orange; many colours, he found. And the world was so full of colours now.

A loud sigh below him interrupted his thoughts and he tried not to fall off the tree at the sight of Iruka sitting under him.

Even the young sensei’s ponytail looked like it wanted to sigh.

Kakashi panicked. How do you start a conversation?

“Hello, there.”

Iruka looked up, surprised. Kakashi wished he could kick his brain. _Hello, there_? What was he, a seventy year-old paedophile giving out sweets? Kami. Just keep talking. Talk.

“You know, this is my favourite spot.” Oh god that was a secret. Why did he say that? Quick, distract Iruka. “But I can’t really concentrate on my reading with all that sighing going on down there.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll just go,” said Iruka. Way to go, Kakashi. That wasn’t a nice thing to say. _No, please don’t go_.

Kakashi jumped down, probably a little too hastily, and landed in front of Iruka.

“No, don’t bother. I was just about to leave.”

At those words, they looked at each other, both stunned at that level of what-the-fuck. Iruka actually looked mystified at Kakashi’s strange behaviour.

It didn’t stop there.

“See ya,” said Kakashi’s traitorous mouth.

What? _See ya_? Where the hell did _that_ come from? _No, that wasn’t abrupt at all_ , he thought sarcastically. Kakashi wished he could physically hurt his brain. Literally, he would give himself a lobotomy with a broken chopstick.

Three steps later, he stopped himself and turned around. Iruka must think he was a freak. There was nothing else for it anyway; so Kakashi stopped thinking and said what he should have said at the start.

“What’s wrong? You look depressed. If you feel like talking, I’ll listen.” Kakashi walked back to the bench Iruka was sitting on, and sat down next to him.

Iruka looked preoccupied with his own problems, and he didn’t seem to mind Kakashi’s eccentric social skills.

“Kakashi-san,” said Iruka slowly. His name sounded beautiful when Iruka said it.

“The thing is, I am Uzumaki Naruto’s homeroom teacher. I’m… not sure how to deal with him.”

“I see,” Kakashi was surprised. Naruto, huh. That was opening up a can of worms for him too.

“So that’s why you look so lifeless. There’s no spark in your eyes.”

Iruka stared at him incredulously.

Kakashi also stared at himself incredulously inside his _brain_.

But thankfully, Iruka didn’t hold it against him when he talked about what he meant. Kakashi explained about the time Iruka wanted to be a teacher and how only Iruka would be able to get through to Naruto. Some of his sincerity must have shown, because Iruka stared at him with unfathomable dark eyes.

It was getting dangerous. He should go before he embarrassed himself even more.

“See ya.”

Kakashi walked away at a controlled pace, focusing on not tripping over and _not_ replaying how abrupt his exit must have been to Iruka. He didn’t notice that his hands had been unnaturally clenched until he was already far away.

 _Kami_ , Kakashi winced as he uncurled his stiffened fingers. _I don’t think this is normal_.

*

It was a difficult road, readjusting to general society. After all, he hadn’t formally been in general society before.

Iruka-sensei, however, was thriving now.

He looked more alive and captivatingly competent than ever, with Naruto and the snotty horde of other children following and idolizing him. Kakashi’s own interactions with Iruka were usually very friendly, and Kakashi was satisfied with that, he thought.

When Sandaime gave him Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura, Kakashi tried his best with his genin team.

The genin team really threw his life into a higher level of stress.

His mask and his porn and his slouch had been as effective as always in stopping people from getting too close to the infamous Copy-nin, and at first, it sort of worked with his three young charges. There was a reason why he kept all those three traits, though. He wasn’t really _antisocial_. Sure, after his father’s suicide, Kakashi had felt a severe black-and-white type of like and dislike regarding relationships with people, and after Minato-sensei and his team’s death, he put the others from him at an arm’s length. But the reason he still kept people at arm’s length now, even after he had more or less grown out of his angsty teenage rejection of all humans, was that when he emerged from his pubescent antisocial chrysalis, he found that he had the social graces of a deformed moth.

It was best that he kept up the image that Gai had helped him create; “cool and hip.”

Although, if he thought a bit more about that, Kakashi had a niggling feeling that calling something “hip” wasn’t really _hip_ at all, and that Gai knew exactly what he was saying, or yelling, in public; especially judging by the little glint in Gai’s black eyes.

Kakashi was stressed. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting the breeze touch his hair as he leaned his head back against the trunk of his favourite spot. The smell of the crisp damp of autumn came with the breeze and also the faintest smell of blackboards and chalk. And that deceptively mild breeze knocked off a fluttering post-it from the wall of his mind.

 _Team Seven_ , Iruka-sensei had said two weeks ago after accepting a report, eyes twinkling mischievously. _You’ll need all the luck you can get, Kakashi-san_.

Kakashi had nodded and walked off, hands clenched again in an effort to not mess up. He had been working to improve his social skills, but he couldn’t be blamed when Iruka caught him off-guard with those kinds of expressions that made the world tingle.

Kakashi groaned and purposefully scraped the back of his head on the bark.

*

Sakura, the most perceptive of the three, seemed to know instinctively how ungainly her sensei really was. It showed in her exasperated glances and her no-nonsense attitude towards his lateness and his hip reasons for anything.

Naruto was too busy trying to one-up Sasuke, and Sasuke was too busy trying to look as if he didn’t notice Naruto or anything other than himself.

But it was apparent to Kakashi that the three genins’ potentials were greater than anyone originally thought. It showed in the bursts of inspiration during missions and training that was impossible to dismiss as mere coincidence.

So Kakashi ended up debating with himself for longer than he would admit to even himself, whether he should nominate the three for the chuunin exams.

His intuition, up-to-date knowledge of his charges, and belief in their skills left no doubt in his mind that he should nominate them. They were so ready.

But anyone who hadn’t seen them in action would never understand. Anyone, meaning the Sandaime. Or maybe even Gai.

 _Or Iruka-sensei_.

Iruka-sensei’s opinion on nominating his genin was obvious without even asking the man. It showed in his innocent smiles and trusting expression over irregular dinners that Kakashi tried to never miss. But as intuitive and intelligent as he was, he would not be right in this case, since he didn’t have Kakashi’s current point of view.

It was just that Kakashi had no idea how to even broach that subject, how to bring it up in such a way that wouldn’t undermine the teacher’s belief in him and in himself.

And with this state of agitation still unresolved, Kakashi found himself answering the Sandaime,

“I, Hatake Kakashi, nominate my genin team, Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, and Uzumaki Naruto, for the chuunin exams.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he could feel the back of his head prickling uncomfortably.

Kakashi swallowed secretly behind his mask, steeled his chaotic mind by shutting the blown open mental windows, and turned around to face the livid man.

“Naruto is different from you.”

Those words, too truthful to be anything but hurtful, hissed through his brain and rattled all the precariously stuck colourful bits of memories, threatening to unleash the black rot that they had been papering over.

“They are not your students any more. They are my subordinates.”

The only thing Kakashi was focusing on was to avoid having his voice tremble, and so he looked away, hands clenched inside his pockets, and wished he had not seen either Iruka’s passionate, hurt eyes or the reservation and hesitation in Hiruzen’s.

But Kakashi knew, as he waited unmoving on the rooftop of Iruka’s house, that he was right, and that Iruka would also know that he was right. This was the only reason he was waiting for Iruka on Iruka’s roof and not his own. Being the wrong one was always harder, and Kakashi felt that if he didn’t do anything immediate and apologize for _some_ thing or another to Iruka, their quiet friendship would be damaged.

But the problem was that he still had _no idea_ how to apologize, or what even to apologize for, since he technically hadn’t done anything wrong. What he _did_ want to apologize for was that he hurt Iruka’s feelings, but he couldn’t say it like that because that would insinuate insulting things to Iruka’s maturity.

Dusk sent a breeze through his hair, but Kakashi was still stewing in his own mind, thinking about what and how he would ever say anything to Iruka about anything at all. It caught him completely off-guard when Iruka’s chakra spiked suddenly behind him, announcing his arrival.

“How were they?” Kakashi pulled all his emotions behind a thick door. He wanted to shut his eyes, and breathe in Iruka’s smell, which was so close; especially if this was going to be the last time he was going to stand this close to him –

“So much for the preliminary exam.”

Iruka’s rich, melodic voice was tinged with sadness and wistful regret, and contained miraculously no anger directed at him.

“All nine rookies passed. Just like you said, their abilities really have improved.” Kakashi heard emotion in Iruka’s voice, and even acceptance. How was it that this man could be so understanding? Kakashi wanted to tell him everything, all the suffering he had felt because of the possibility of a rift between them, but what could he say now, at this point, when Iruka was already over it?

“Maa, but you’re right, this still isn’t enough for the real Chuunin Exam.”

That wasn’t near close to the degree of emotions that he wanted to convey to Iruka, but somehow, Iruka seemed to understand even that.

It both scared and make Kakashi grateful, that someone knew him so well enough to read through his awkward mannerisms.

 

*

Iruka was like every other ninja he had ever known, but also like no other.

Kakashi was just grateful that he was part of the group that Iruka looked at and smiled at. There was no other thing to hope for, really. Not when Sasuke had joined Orochimaru, not when Sakura had had enough of his ineptness and had gone under Tsunade, not when Naruto, Minato-sensei’s son, Iruka-sensei’s foster brother, had left him for someone better.

There was always someone better.

No matter if he was the son of the White Fang, or ‘Kakashi of the Sharingan’ or the Copy-ninja; someone just always was better than him at _something_.

The only exception to this was Iruka-sensei.

Iruka didn’t fall under that category of being “better” or “worse” than him. He was on a completely different level altogether, a level that Kakashi and his type couldn’t even hope to be in. He had his imperfections, like losing his temper and yelling a lot; but for the things that mattered, Iruka-sensei was just perfect.

It made Kakashi feel even smaller.

 

*

_To be continued_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Tsunade sent him on more missions than before, now that tensions were slowly increasing.

Kakashi would sometimes get a little note from Naruto that he could share with Iruka-sensei, and sometimes Iruka would share the letter he got from Naruto with Kakashi too. The sky was always startlingly blue and beautiful, as if unaware of the building tension among the little people bustling around below it, and Kakashi tried to take notes of how beautiful it was whenever he had the chance.

“It’s a lovely day, isn’t it, Kakashi-san?” said Iruka. He turned back from the window he was looking out of to face Kakashi.

“Yes,” agreed Kakashi. _It is almost as untouchable as your smile_.

“Kakashi-san, here is your new mission. Do your best and come back safely.” Iruka’s dark eyes stirred in Kakashi, memories of love and war and fire and threatened to swallow him whole, so Kakashi just smiled and closed his eye.

The brush of skin was so unexpected that it was almost painful, a jolt of shock more startling than lightning. Kakashi almost dropped the mission scroll, but Iruka-sensei didn’t flinch, nor did he release his fingers. Kakashi’s eye opened from its forced smile, and it couldn’t be helped that it was drawn straight into Iruka’s direct, searching gaze.

He may have chosen not to be a jounin, but the instinctive analysis of a comrade or a situation, accurate judgment, and air of command were still an inherent part of the man. No wonder Tsunade was keeping him in this position of high security clearance. Though it was most certainly unintentional, Iruka had once again correctly analysed and understood the main part of Kakashi’s feelings, when Kakashi himself had no idea what those feelings were exactly.

“…Be careful, Kakashi-san.” Iruka’s eyes were unrelentingly piercing, but infinitely soft at the same time. It was the same look he used to get from the Sandaime, the same look he got from Tsunade. Iruka-sensei could see he was still only a soldier; only a lost child.

Kakashi bowed his head. What else could he do in the face of generations of wisdom and care?

Iruka’s warm fingers unwound from the cold scroll, leaving no trace of having ever been there at all.

*

Naruto came back, and Kakashi looked at him with pride; and at the same time felt even more helpless at the turmoil and anguish in both Sakura’s and Naruto’s eyes. He couldn’t save Obito, Rin, or even help Minato-sensei; and now he couldn’t even help Naruto, Sakura or wayward Sasuke.

“Kakashi-san!”

A clear voice cut into his heavy musings. Iruka-sensei waved at him from Ichiraku, the warm yellow light of the ramen shop spilling out onto the darkened street from where Iruka’s hand was holding a flap open.

“O-i! Kakashi-sensei!!” Naruto’s head poked backwards out of the opening, too. “Come treat me to seconds for being an awesome student!”

“That’s not how you invite people to dinner, idiot!” Iruka tapped Naruto’s head.

Kakashi came over and saw that Naruto had already eaten more than just seconds, judging from the pile of dishes stacked next to him.

Kakashi grinned. “If this was a plan to get me to pay for this leech, I’m afraid you won’t get me that easily, Iruka-sensei.”

Iruka blushed red and choked on his mouthful.

“No!! Of course not, I would never think about doing something that underhanded –“

“Haha!! He got you there, Iruka-sensei!” Naruto yelled happily through his mouthful. “Kakashi-sensei has a way with words, _and_ he’s super stingy too! Last week, Kakashi-sensei tricked Yamato-taichou into paying for all three –“

Kakashi quickly slapped Naruto’s back, making him choke a little on his words. He didn’t want Iruka to think he was stingy, when he really _wasn’t_ , damn that big mouth of the brat.

But seeing Iruka laughing and Naruto spluttering and protesting, lit by the warmth of the shop and enveloped by the smell of ramen and a little chalk, chased away the black rot inside his mind and papered it with orange.

Walking home with Iruka under a deceptively peaceful night sky was precious to him; something so ordinary but at the same time so fragile. He wondered how many more nights like this he would be allowed.

“Thank you for dinner, Kakashi-san. Though you really need to let me treat you next time.” Iruka smiled at him, and his scar shifted and his hair was lit up by the mundane street light, making him look like forgiveness on earth.

Kakashi kept trying his best.

Every time he felt helpless, someone would somehow end up dragging him back up; and this person was all over the place, offering him a hand in the form of Naruto, Sakura, Tsunade, Asuma, Gai, Tenzou, and most often, Iruka.

*

Jiraiya-sama was dead.

He tried to take on six Peins at once, when only three had razed Konoha to the ground.

Kakashi jumped across fallen rubble, mind categorizing and formulating any sort of plan.

He saw one suddenly appear in front of two figures on the ground. Kakashi put on a burst of speed as he recognized the distinctive facial scar of the crouching man.

“Where is the nine-tailed beast’s host? Speak, or I’ll kill you.” The voice of this Pein held no emotion.

“I won’t tell you anything,” said Iruka. His voice was unwavering and strong, and Kakashi’s stomach dropped as he saw Iruka’s acceptance of death in his eyes.

Kakashi barely made it in time, but he managed to stop the metal pole from acting out one of his nightmares in real life. It inflamed his fury, though it didn’t surprise him, that the pole had not shattered with the force he had used in stopping it.

“Take that injured man and get out of here, leave this to me.”

“Right,” said Iruka. Iruka looked at him for the smallest of a second longer than necessary, and it gave Kakashi all the incentive he needed to risk his life and attack the puppet with everything he had.

He was a genius shinobi, but he knew he wasn’t perfect. He couldn’t stop himself from feeling ordinary emotions like panic and rage. His mind whirred with plans and he had already decided on and was executing one; but intense anger at his opponent in trying to kill Iruka-sensei made him make a slight error and he formed a lightning clone instead of a shadow one, which took away half his chakra reserves.

With Chouji and Chouza, he was certain he could disable the puppets, but they were more skilled than he thought; and he used all his chakra and closed his eyes, thinking of all the people he would leave behind and all the people who would be waiting for him.

*

Walking forwards slowly in the darkness, he saw a small campsite with a campfire like the ones he and his father would make, a long time ago. The dark figure sitting beside the figure was overwhelmingly familiar, and Kakashi let go of all his sadness and pain and anger.

“Is that you, Kakashi?” Sakumo’s voice was soft and regretful. “Will you tell me about yourself?” The words, spoken hopefully, hesitatingly and reverently from his father told him everything he needed to know, and Kakashi sat down beside his father and smiled, greeting his father gladly for the first time in over twenty years.

“Sure. It will take a long time, but I want to tell you everything, dad.”

 

 

*

Something like a breath shot through his chest, and suddenly the darkness started to fade. Kakashi looked at his father, afraid to blink and uncertain whether he wanted to leave.

“Looks like it’s not your time yet. You still have things to do.” His father smiled his gentle smile. “I can move on… I can finally see your mother again.”

*

Kakashi woke up to the smell of dust and smoke and physical pain. The battered faces of Chouza and Chouji and all the other village ninjas showed the same type of disbelief and wonder, and Kakashi knew Naruto had made it. Naruto really was the child of the prophecy; the one who could change the world.

And as childish as it was, his pride for Naruto and his achievements brought on a sudden rearrangement of his own perspective; he was the Copy-ninja, Man of a Thousand Jutsu, but he was, and had only ever been just a skilled soldier and no more; a soldier who had been skilfully but blindly perpetuating the shinobi’s cycle of pain and hatred.

Kakashi shook his head, and tried to dislodge some of the blackness of his mind. It unnerved him that only a jumble of ordinary memories of Iruka-sensei could push away the black. Iruka-sensei shouting at jounin; Iruka-sensei eating ramen; Iruka-sensei smiling at Naruto. He needed to get to Naruto. Kakashi pushed himself up with a groan, and jumped to the forest where he knew Naruto would be coming from.

The blonde hair of Minato-sensei’s son was dirty when Kakashi saw him stumble through the trees.

“Good work, Naruto.” Kakashi caught the exhausted teenage boy on his back, and carried him back to Konoha.

Naruto’s blue eyes opened wide as he saw the village that once shunned him welcome him with gratitude; and as Kakashi saw Naruto accept their gratitude, he knew that Naruto was a bigger man than he had ever been.

Kakashi leaned against a tree and saw Naruto being lifted up onto Konoha’s shoulders and celebrated. He saw Naruto’s friends cheering him on, he even spotted Iruka in the distance, rubbing moisture from his eyes as he felt Naruto’s joy; and Kakashi was grateful that he could be lucky enough to smile wholeheartedly with them.

***

Kakashi never doubted that Naruto would be able to pull it off and save the world.

He did wonder whether Sasuke would be redeemable, but Naruto managed to pull him back, too.

Obito found it in himself to forgive the world and forgive him, and he took back his Sharingan when he went to move on to see Rin.

The shinobi world was still as active and brutal and busy as it had been before, and Kakashi was kept constantly occupied as the Rokudaime Hokage, sending his shinobi to deal with bands of rogue ninjas who were dissatisfied with reality and were otherwise confused by such a big upheaval of the world.

The difference was that the sky smelt different; it was higher are bluer and somehow more crisp and still cold. Kakashi could see the bright green of new leaves bursting everywhere, and the wafts of pollen making people sneeze; but to all this activity, there was a pervading sense of adolescent hope and joy. Was it because it was spring? Or was it because the biggest war in shinobi history was over? People started pairing up left, right and center, and went around sobbing and giggling and laughing like idiots.

It annoyed Kakashi.

It annoyed him and the annoyance was amusing to himself at first – who knew he could even feel annoyed? – but everyone seemed to take it as their mission to pair up the Hokage and this annoyed him to a level of irritation that he hadn’t known existed.

And what made everything worse, was that Iruka-sensei was kept busy with his responsibilities as the Academy Head and would more frequently send Shikamaru to do parts of his job, like helping Kakashi out with reports and general upkeep.

“Hokage-sama, you forgot to sign here again,” sighed Shikamaru. Shikamaru wasn’t even looking at the papers, instead he stared out the window.

“Oh. Sorry,” said Kakashi.

“Troublesome…” drawled Shikamaru as he slouched out of the room.

Kakashi wouldn’t normally have been irritated at that but his nerves had worn thin lately, and he had half a mind to send Shikamaru on some D-rank mission for showing that attitude.

Brat. All of them, a bunch of brats. He would fill out, sign and _stamp_ that mission scroll as soon as he finished one of those piles of paperwork. And as soon as he could find where the order forms were.

Maybe he should organize his desk.

That reminded him, he needed to organize all his shinobi around Naruto’s wedding.

 _What do I need to do_ , thought Kakashi. He didn’t know whether it was acceptable or not to pull shinobi in the middle of missions, for a wedding. Or just straight out make the whole wedding a mission itself. But then, wouldn’t other couples complain and want all their friends at their weddings too? Did this mean he would have to halt all missions for a month to keep all these marrying couples happy? _And why were there so many couples forming all of a sudden_? Surely they were too young for it.

Kakashi was startled when he realized that it was already dark outside, and the pile of paperwork he had been attacking still loomed over him ominously.

 _Another late night_ , he sighed. He slowly stretched his back, getting settled for another night, when he heard a knock and the door opening without a wait for an answer. The only person who was confident enough to do that was one of his brats or Iruka-sensei.

Kakashi peered over the side, and his pulse fluttered at the view of Iruka’s handsome smile.

 _I’m glad I agreed to change the uniforms_ , he thought gleefully and guiltily, looking at the way Iruka’s shoulders and chest were outlined by the simpler cut of the new material. _…I am a pervert._

“…it’s even stacked from left to right, so it’s obvious which one you should have gone for first.”

Kakashi honestly missed the first half of what Iruka had said. But it sounded like Iruka was telling him to do something.

“I told _you_ , Iruka-sensei, to call me Kakashi.” This was no lie. It was a secret fantasy, having Iruka-sensei call his name so familiarly.

Kakashi smiled at Iruka’s rolled eyes, but then he remembered that it was Sunday night, and Iruka really shouldn’t be working so late.

“I hope you’re not overworking yourself, sensei. It’s Sunday night and you really should be resting.”

Kakashi thrilled silently in the throaty laugh he got from Iruka at that. And he was even more thrilled at the warm weight of Iruka’s hand gently gripping his shoulder.

“It’s funny you should say that, when you’re the one almost buried under these piles. Why aren’t you home yet?” asked Iruka. If being sexy was a crime, the man’s voice should be locked up.

Kakashi was the Rokudaime Hokage, and this was his desk. So he felt completely entitled to slouching whichever way he wanted on his own desk. He did not feel the need to explain to the Anbu guards on guard nearby, or to himself, why he ended up leaning slightly more on Iruka-sensei’s warm hand.

“The paperwork isn’t really the problem, sensei. It’s _this_ ,” said Kakashi, nodding at Naruto’s wedding invitation.

And with a quiet chuckle, Iruka solved the bureaucratic problem of the wedding, the headache that had plagued him for the past three days, in five seconds. And just as Kakashi was about to thank him, he found himself suddenly with a face full of _Iruka_ ; staring directly at Iruka’s tanned neck, the line of the Adam’s apple showing just below the sharp, smooth line of his jaw.

A split second later, Iruka-sensei’s _smell_ followed, spinning Kakashi’s head and making his heart beat more erratically.

Kakashi could see the silent, smooth inhale and the slight dilation of Iruka’s nostrils as the man reached over and stretched – exposing a bit of his collar bone – to grab the wedding invitation on the other side of his desk. _He should have put the damn thing more to the side._

And _how_ Iruka did it, he had no idea, but he located the mission request form easily, and proceeded to fill it out while periodically ruffling through the Mission Roster with assured strokes of his fingers.

Each flick of the tan wrist raised Kakashi’s temperature, and Kakashi almost lost it when those fingers seared the exposed white skin of his wrist when he brushed the skin as he picked up the Hokage stamp.

Kakashi’s throat seemed to have seized up, and a cough wanted to force its way out of his chest as he choked a little on his own tongue.

Iruka-sensei’s dark eyes shot over to him in concern. It killed Kakashi a little that there seemed to be nothing else there except for friendly worry.

“I think you should go home, Kakashi-sama.” _Oh Kami_. _Kakashi-sama?_ The voice, the proximity, and the double-edged words shot straight into the heart of his fantasies and Kakashi felt his face heat up noticeably.

As Iruka dragged him out of his office, Kakashi tried to simultaneously will away the blood from his face, while at the same time glaring threats at the minutely shifting wall, an obvious sign of his Anbu bodyguards, primarily Genma, laughing.

The cool night air brought Kakashi a little more to his senses, and Kakashi nodded to Iruka’s easy conversation.

The topic was Naruto’s wedding, and Iruka made him laugh a number of times. He really had a way with words; making people feel at ease and happy. Kakashi could only do it when he had an ulterior motive, and it was so refreshing to listen to Iruka’s lively voice.

“I’ve decided to get a life-partner of my own. I can’t lose to Naruto,” said Iruka lightly.

Kakashi thought the darkness was suddenly attacking him, and his stomach suddenly disappeared, leaving only a knot in his throat and chest.

Iruka turned to glance at him with his dancing, captivating dark eyes.

“I know at least three lovely kunoichis that have been pestering me to give them any job that entails going into your office, if you’re interested in getting a partner of your own,” he said jovially, not knowing that he was shattering Kakashi’s heart.

Kakashi sighed and looked at the night sky.

“I don’t really have time for it,” he said.

Iruka grinned at him, and Kakashi would have thought that there was a flicker of sadness there, had he not been so focused on the pain in his chest.

“You might feel differently if you found the right one, Kakashi-sama,” said Iruka, smiling and stepping on his fragile dreams. “You would probably end up _making_ time for that person.”

_I thought I already had found you, Iruka-sensei._

*

Iruka seemed hell-bent on giving him a migraine for every second of every day.

First it was Naoki, then Reiko, now this buffed up, corny youngster from Iwa, what was his name, Yoshiro? More like, NOshiro.

He had thought that Iruka-sensei would have left him in peace to lick his wounds and recover from such a brutal crushing of his dreams (not that Iruka-sensei actually _knew_ about his feelings) but it seemed Iruka had many evil plans for him, judging from the covey of simpering messengers he kept sending into his office.

The headache was the reason why he was drinking alone and had purple makeup over his eyes, and was wearing a wig that itched a little; not the fact that Iruka-sensei was downing his third bottle of sake while in the company of the Iwa pufferfish.

And Kami, he would not be held responsible for his actions if he ended up chidori-ing NOshiro’s face off if he continued to check out Iruka-sensei’s well-formed butt.

Wait, if NOshiro was checking out Iruka-sensei’s butt, that meant Iruka-sensei was facing –

“Kakashi-sama.” _Shiver_. “I hope you’re here to apologize to our emissary.”

 _Apologize? Hell, I_ apologize _for not sending his ridiculous pompous face into another dimension_.

“Iruka-sensei. I hope you’re here to apologize for making my life hell for the past month,” glared Kakashi. And he was sure Iruka would have apologized if only he saw what he had been through in the last four weeks.

Iruka only glared at him, and made him make small talk with NOshiro.

And the bastard NOshiro must have been aiming to get Iruka-sensei drunk, because he himself was hardly drunk at all. He picked up on the little tensions in Kakashi’s facial and body language, as appropriate of a diplomat, and excused himself early while sending Kakashi a half-admiring, half-resentful glance.

On the walk home, Kakashi was still trying to piece his wounded heart together, though the amount of sake he himself had drunk on an empty stomach was getting to him a little. And Iruka-sensei was more worse for wear, staring a little grumpily at the bright stars above.

“You’re so picky,” said Iruka abruptly.

Kakashi found this to be unbearably hilarious at that moment.

Yes, he was picky. He had only ever liked two people in a non-familial way; and they had both been Uminos.

“So far, I know that you like deeper voices, lean muscle and a silent type,” muttered Iruka into the night.

Kakashi did not look at the man, but only grinned up at the cold sky. _I’m pretty sure you’re not the ‘silent’ type._ What the hell. Maybe he should just get it over with, once and for all.

“No. I like deeper voices, lean muscle and a caring type.” Kakashi stopped walking, suddenly nervous and sober now that he had voiced his thoughts so dangerously openly.

“Worrying about the reputation of the village and the Hokage, getting angry at others for even the slightest ridicule of the Hokage…” Kakashi swallowed dryly. His throat seemed too small, all of a sudden. The memory of watching Iruka wipe away tears of joy in the Academy yard, after Naruto had invited him to the wedding stirred his resolve to see this through.

“…being caring enough to shed tears in joy when a special student wants him to be a special guest at his wedding.”

Iruka looked stunned, and his eyes were suddenly so full of emotion, though they glanced away and fell onto Kakashi’s favourite tree.

Why didn’t Kakashi realize before that it wasn’t only him who had been hiding emotions, afraid of being hurt?

Kakashi was left waiting, his fragile, child’s heart fluttering in his throat as he waited for Iruka to look at him again.

“But that leaves only one person that I know of,” Iruka finally said lightly.

And the joy and sorrow and wonder in his eyes made everything worth it; and Kakashi leaned forward, as though drawn like water falling over a cliff while at the same time Iruka leaned towards him too, and the first touch of soft lips against his sent every nerve in his body scorching and frizzling out into oblivion and he couldn’t help relishing Iruka’s strong arms around him or himself holding Iruka against his body for more.

*

_Epilogue_

Kakashi checked his hair one more time in the bathroom mirror. It seemed as though he couldn’t really change the way it stood up all over the place, no matter how hard he tried.

“Kakashi, we’re going to be _late_ ,” Iruka grumbled from the entranceway.

“I’m coming, coming,” he said, grinning as he walked out to the living room, where Iruka was waiting.

The early afternoon sunlight lit up Iruka’s skin to a soft gold, and his hair glimmered chestnut and bronze as he turned to smile at Kakashi, making Kakashi wonder what he had done to be allowed to be this happy.

No matter what sort of kisses Iruka gave him, Kakashi was never prepared for the overwhelming sensations; and as he doubled checked his pockets for Naruto’s wedding present, his hand happily clasped in Iruka’s warm ones, he wondered at how little effort it took to smile brightly at everyone who greeted them on their way to the ceremony.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed Kakashi's point of view!   
> Thank you to everyone who read it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing about these two!

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of the dialogue was from the English dubbed version of Naruto Shippuden episode 177 "Iruka's Ordeal".
> 
> I usually watch the japanese version with English subtitles, but I watched and found that the English dubbed version had some SERIOUSLY AWKWARD MOMENTS HAHA I LOVE IT <3 haha it was great. If you've seen it, I hope you agree with me on Kakashi's supremely awkward social skills. :D


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